New Friends and Stranger Companies
by SteveElOtaku
Summary: Lollipop Chainsaw fic. After the events of "For the Reunion", Juliet and Swan are growing closer than ever-but is he ready to meet the parents? And just what is up with Swan's hometown?


New Friends and Stranger Companies

Swan couldn't believe how much had changed in so short a time. Well, perhaps short was the wrong word. After all, it had taken ten years. The pains of loneliness that had plagued him his entire life were finally starting to abate.

That didn't mean they were gone.

He still slept restlessly each night, reliving his suicide, and the worst moments of his high school life. But things were definitely looking up—after so long, Juliet finally requited his feelings for her.

Swan woke up as usual in his dimly-lit farmhouse bedroom. He had yet to find lodging in San Romero, and as the town wasn't that far out, he decided to continue living in his house for the moment. Today, unlike most days, however, he was full of energy. After a quick shower, he put on his favourite suit, combed his raven hair, and put on a tasteful amount of eyeliner and lipstick.

Today, he was going to Juliet's place.

Swan's feelings about this were equal parts shivering with anticipation and dreading it. Because, no matter how much dark magic one knew, or how awesome your significant other thought you were…social awkwardness was chronic.

Juliet too was a mixed bag of emotions. Part of her was dancing around the room gushing about how she'd finally gotten to confess her love for Swan. Another part of her, however, was worried. Worried about baggage, emotional problems, and whether her family reunion was today or next week. They were hoping Juliet had finally met someone new—she'd been in a bit of a funk after she broke up with Nick. Juliet somewhat regretted that she'd have to be introducing a zombie, and not just any zombie—the zombie of a guy who happened to nearly kill all of them. Sure, she loved him dearly. But…she couldn't help but feel daddy Starling wouldn't be so thrilled.

_God,_ she hoped, _let it be next week…_

Juliet never was very good with time.

At the exact moment Swan left his house and drove off, Juliet's parents and sisters were not far behind on a different road. Cordelia was driving, as Rosalind had gotten her license suspended…again. Gideon was smiling in the back seat, one arm on his wife's shoulder.

"Honey, it'll be really nice to see Juliet again, don't you think? It's been a while, hasn't it?"

She nodded.

"Yes, dear…I really hope she's found someone new. You know how close she was with Nick."

"A little too close at times, I think."

"Dear!"

At about that time, Swan pulled into Juliet's driveway. He adjusted his ruffs, combed his hair one last time, and went up and rang the doorbell.

"Coming!" a voice called from inside, giggling.

Swan stood there, a slight lump in his throat. He'd never actually set foot in a girl's house before. It was strange…unfamiliar. The day was so sunny it seemed unreal. Or maybe he'd never really noticed. To him, every day had felt dark and grey.

The door was pulled open swiftly, and Swan was pulled into a kiss even more swiftly.

"Hey cutie! How're you doing?"

Swan looked into Juliet's sparkling eyes, full of such pure joy it was impossible not to smile.

"Well…would being on cloud 9 be an understatement?" Swan smiled.

She ran her fingers through his hair.

"Let's get that up to cloud 11, baby!"

Juliet walked with a spring in her step as she led Swan into the kitchen.

"Lollipop?" she asked, offering him a strawberry one.

"Yes, please." Swan said, taking it.

"All we have is strawberry right now. Store's out of stock of anything else."

"Strawberry suits me just fine, sweetheart."

And it really did….that first kiss, he really tasted the sweet tang of strawberries. It was a flavour he'd quickly gained an appreciation for.

Swan struggled a bit with the wrapper, but Juliet guided his hand, effortlessly removing it.

"First time's always hard. Believe me. It just takes practice…"

Swan felt his body just melt. She wasn't even hiding her flirting anymore. God, he loved that.

Juliet popped the lollipop in his mouth and giggled at his slowly reddening face. Swan was really adorable when he was embarrassed. She was just starting to enjoy herself when the door was flung open.

"Surprise, kid! We got here a week early!"

Dad was home. Oh shit.

Swan felt his insides tighten.

Rosalind scampered in excitably, poking Swan.

"Hey, sis, who's the yucky dead-looking guy?"

Swan grew even more nervous when he heard the click of a Barrett .50 calibre sniper rifle being cocked and aimed at him.

"Hold it, Goth boy. The fuck are you doing in my sister's house? Aren't you that guy who tried to kill everybody ten years ago?" Cordelia asked, keeping her tone short and cold.

Gideon Starling glared at Swan, before looking over at Juliet.

"Missy, you've got a mighty fine lot of explaining to do."

Juliet told him everything that had happened. The reunion. Swan's return from the grave. The story about her outfit. The dance. The vigil.

By the end of it, the family's reactions were a funhouse hall of mirrors.

Cordelia put the safety back on her sniper rifle.

"Ok, Swan, I'm giving you a chance. But if I find one zombie bite on her neck, I'm going to let you have a nice chat with my friends Barrett, Smith, and Wesson, and if I'm feeling nasty, Gatling."

Rosalind just laughed like a maniac.

"Tee-hee. He's like Edward Cullen if he got boiled like a cabbage. You bring home the funniest people, sis!"

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.

"I didn't know you were into…alternative lifestyles, dear."

Gideon just marched over to Swan.

"Your name is Swan, son?"

"Y-yes sir!"

"Girly name. Girly frame. Hope you've got something impressive behind that Beetlejuice frame of yours. You look like someone drowned Jack Skellington in the sweat left on the floors of a Hot Topic backroom. Seriously, that shit attracts monsters like you wouldn't believe."

"I-I've got some necromantic abilities and a basic understanding of other magic? And I-I can sort papers really well?"

"What are you gonna do, make Count Dracula file IRS forms?"

Elizabeth saw Swan shaking and cut in.

"Dear! Don't be so hard on the boy! After all, Juliet likes him. He can't be all that bad."

"I lost one of my balls in the explosion at the end of the apocalypse this Lestat wannabe started. I figure I'm entitled to a few good-natured potshots at his Vampire: The Masquerade-looking ass."

Juliet cut in.

"DAD! He's harmless! Well now he is at any rate."

Gideon cracked his knuckles.

"Well, I can't really say no to my daughter, but…"

He leaned into Swan.

"I hear about any funny business and you're gonna wish you could fly like your namesake."

"Yes sir! No funny business sir!"

"And stop calling me sir, it's embarrassing."

"Yes, sir—I mean, yes Mr. Starling."

By the time Gideon had finished, Swan realized the lollipop in his mouth had melted completely.

"Don't mind Gideon, young man." Elizabeth reassured. "He's just a bit protective, is all.'

"I-I got that impression." Swan managed.

"Anyways, kiddo, we're checking in at the hotel. We'll be back tomorrow. Oh and Swan?"

"Yes, Mr. Starling?"

Gideon made a slashing motion across his throat.

"You're on thin ice, kid. Don't forget it."

"I'm not likely to, Mr. Starling."

The family left as quickly as they'd arrived. The lollipop stick in Swan's mouth dropped out of his gaping jaw.

Juliet put her hands on Swan's tense shoulders.

"Aww…poor baby. Don't worry, daddy's all bark and not much bite. He's a real softy deep down."

Swan shook somewhat, but he still managed some of his familiar snark.

"Yes, much in the same way I'm sure that underneath all that muscle and Kevlar Arnold Schwarzenegger's downright cuddly."

Juliet giggled as she sat herself on Swan's lap.

"You're adorable, Swan." She planted another kiss on his black lips.

It just so happens that in that moment Juliet got a devilish smirk on her face. She had an idea.

"Heyyy…Swan…"

"Yes?"

Something went off inside him. A warning light. Any girl smirking like that…nah, they were in love. This time it should be ok, he thought.

"I think I should show you my bedroom…"

"Uh…he…ah…sure?"

With a wink, she dragged Swan into her room.

It was a pretty common looking girl's room. White, fancy-looking bed, cheer team photos, San Romero banners, stuffed animals, and…a pole?

"Now, Swan…I'm gonna show you my pole dancing. It's a great way to work out."

Swan felt his nose start to bleed.

Juliet began to work it on the pole, spinning, twirling, climbing, till finally…

She twirled around, wrapping her ankles around the pole, hanging upside down as she pulled Swan into a kiss. With plenty of tongue.

"Hey, hot stuff…you don't even have to slip a twenty in my skirt to get the best from me."

Swan's teenage body surged with emotion and desire.

It collapsed, fainted.

Juliet stopped, concerned…but realized that while he was knocked out, he was still breathing…

"Phew…good thing he's totally not dead or anything. Well, deader than dead...I mean."

But then Juliet got a little voice in her head.

_I wonder what he's hiding under all that…_

_Ew, no, that'd be totally wrong to take advantage of him like that!_

_Come on, girl! You've totally waited for this. Just a peek won't hurt, it's not like you're gonna sleep with him while he's out._

_Ok, then…_

Juliet found herself slowly unbuttoning his jacket and shirt…

Meanwhile, Swan dreamed…

_He was walking through the halls of San Romero High School, with Juliet on his arm. Everyone looked on in shock. Juliet kissed him. He was…happy here, for once. And then, like his dreams always did, it turned bad. _ _He felt spectral hands taking his clothing…and Juliet laughing at his scrawny body. Swan roared as he lashed out, cutting at hundreds of people…the blood coating his body, forming a new suit of pure crimson. He then rose, seeing Juliet's dismembered body…. "No! I can't have! NO!" he screamed, tears flowing from his eyes. He saw Zed, Mariska, and the other Purveyors, laughing at him. "No…stop…laughing!" They didn't. He just cried. "Don't fucking laugh at me!" But it was useless. He crumbled to the ground as everyone vanished. He was alone with only his shadow, and soon even that slunk away as the shadows consumed everything. Swan was alone. In his dreams…he always was._

Juliet had stripped Swan totally. And wow, she had no regrets. Sure, he was deathly pale, and colder than most people…but there was something about his slender physique that turned her on. She ran her fingers down his chest, and then the unexpected happened.

Swan awoke screaming.

She backed away.

"No…I can't…I won't…don't take her away…"

Juliet just grabbed him, kissing him…

"Uh, Juliet, forgive me for asking so suddenly…BUT WHY THE HELL AM I NAKED?!"

Juliet blushed a shade of red deeper than Zed's mohawk.

"Uh…well…I got a little curious. So I decided to peek at my birthday presents early…"

Swan sighed, pulling his clothes back on.

"Well, Juliet…I'd say now you owe me an apology…"

She gulped.

"I think maybe you show me what you can do on that pole…with a little extra, hmm? I mean, you've seen me…it's only right I should see you."

She clicked on some of her music, and proceeded to give Swan the show of a lifetime.

It took Swan all his might to not collapse when her top came off.

Within moments, she let the last of her outfit hit the floor.

"By club rules, you can't touch me…but one, we're not in a club, and two, even if we were…nothing says I can't touch you…" she smirked, running a finger over his lips.

One final kiss from her, and she put her clothes back on.

Swan excused himself for a minute.

When he returned, he looked significantly calmer.

"So, uh, now that we managed to work out that we both are hornier than Beavis and Butthead at a Joan Jett concert, wanna do something ordinary like go for coffee?" Swan asked.

Juliet giggled. It was the most beautiful sound in the world at the moment.

"I'd totally love to, hot stuff!"

And so they did. Within minutes, Swan was driving the streets of San Romero, looking for the nearest Starbucks. Soon, they stopped, and Swan entered, Juliet hanging off his arm. It was a bizarre image, and more than a few stares came their way.

"Let 'em say we're crazy. What do they know?" Juliet whispered in his ear.

"Isn't that from a Starship song?" Swan replied.

She just laughed.

Pretty soon, they had ordered. Swan offered to pay, despite what he felt was ridiculous pricing, but Juliet paid instead, insisting that she'd gotten payment enough earlier and that she'd definitely taken it without asking.

Swan found himself agreeing. Though it arguably had been worth it.

The coffee turned out to be worth it too. Swan finally got to realize a dream he'd had for a long time. Just sitting with Juliet, drinking coffee, and exchanging loving looks. And unlike in his dreams, no one came over and ruined it for them.

It was about an hour later when they got back to Juliet's. Juliet looked at Swan. Something was troubling him. She laid him out on her bed.

"Whoa, hold on girl, you already got a good look." Swan quipped.

"No, silly, I'm not looking for that…I'm just worried, Swanny. You seem upset."

Swan sighed.

"It was a nightmare, Juliet. I had one when I passed out. I mean, it started off as a nice dream, but so do all my dreams before they turn into nightmares."

Juliet's face became lined with worry. She stroked his head gently, ruffling his hair.

"Want to talk about it?"

So he told her everything. The triumphant entrance turning into humiliation, blood, death, and finally loneliness. How he'd killed her, and been doomed to wear a suit made with her blood.

Juliet took it all in. She knew about nightmares. She had them from time to time. But to sleep every night and have them…she shuddered.

"Swan…I had no idea…when did you start to have nightmares?"

"Since the day when the last of my family died and I was rejected by a girl for the first time. She told me I was ugly and since I scared her, she said I should be just as scared as everyone else was of me."

_Ugly? How? _ Juliet wondered. _Poor Swan. All his life he's just been everyone's chew toy. Why couldn't someone have told him he mattered? Shit…I could have. I had all those chances… At least we're together now. _

"Ugh! That sucks so much dick! No one should ever have to feel like that!"

Swan took a deep breath. Juliet's bed was soft beneath him, and the bright, cheerful surroundings clashed jarringly with his grim outfit. It reminded him of _Batman Returns_, which he saw at a young age and probably did a good job of setting him on his rather grim path in life. That was rather fitting—Swans, Penguins—both were birds. At least he wasn't a short Danny Devito in grotesque makeup. Swan thanked heaven for small mercies. Juliet meanwhile, was strutting about, fretting. An odd thought crossed Swan's mind: Batman and Catwoman. The thought was completely ridiculous. But, well…he always did have a thing for dangerous blondes. And it helped that this one actually liked him back.

Juliet sighed deeply.

"Poor you…let me kiss it better."

Her pigtails bounced a little as she lowered herself to the bed, kissing Swan gently. A little colour seemed to return to his cheeks. She smiled as Swan slowly sat up.

"Juliet…I love you. I'm so glad you came into my life. Even if I had to wait so long…it was worth every minute."

"Oh, Swan…"

They held each other there for what seemed like an eternity. It felt strange, unreal, exciting…dangerous.

"God, you two, stop making out for a minute and say hi. Another old friend dropped into town."

Cordelia was standing in the doorway…with Nick and his wife, Shirley.

"Juliet! Hey, uh…how have you been? Who's the new flame…wait…I…uh, er…"

Swan turned around slowly.

"Uh…hi, Nick. What's up?"

The air of awkwardness in the room was thick enough to cut with Juliet's chainsaw.

"You're seriously dating Swan, Juliet?" Nick asked.

"Umm, yeah! He's a total cutie deep down."

"What about the hundreds of friends he's killed? The legions of undead he summoned…"

"Niiick! Can't we get past that?"

Nick put on the most melodramatic expression he could.

"No, prepare to die, say your last words—nah, Juliet, Swan, I'm just fucking with you! I knew all along, and I'm really happy! Congratulations!"

The room breathed a collective sigh of relief before Nick continued.

"Cordelia actually filled me in, and I'd heard around town about what happened at the reunion. I'm glad to see you back and happy, Swan."

Swan laughed a bit.

"You almost gave me a heart attack, Nick…that is if my heart were still beating, I mean."

Shirley gave her husband an affectionate smack on the back of his head.

"Really, Nick, you shouldn't be so tasteless…."she said.

Juliet giggled.

"I'm so glad to hear you're totally not mad…I wasn't sure how you'd react. Like, it was pretty tough with Swan meeting the folks."

Nick chuckled.

"I can only imagine. The lecture I got from old daddy Starling when we met…whoa, boy…!"

"Ooh, you shoulda see Swan squirm, Nick! It was like, totally the cutest thing ever!"

Swan turned a shade of crimson not far from Cordelia's lipstick, the shade of which she deliberately picked to remind anyone seeing her of just what would be coming out of them if they were on her list.

"I'm glad we're meeting on better terms, Nick." Swan managed. "I mean, the last time we talked, I was crazy, and you were a talking head."

Nick laughed.

"So am I, Swan. You're an alright guy. I mean, I never really understood why the other guys hated you so much. You just seemed…quiet, is all."

Shirley whispered something in Nick's ear.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to open up old wounds, Swan. Anyway, we're staying in town a while, same hotel as your family, Juliet, so drop by sometime!"

They left, Cordelia in tow, as Juliet and Swan exchanged glances.

"Looks like my ex still doesn't really get the hang of jokes."

"Understatement of the century, my sweet."

Juliet suddenly looked uncomfortable.

"What's wrong, Juliet?"

"I…I hope he isn't upset about anything…"

"You mean that we're together now? Look, all I remember ten years ago is how much he wouldn't stop bitching about having to hang around with you. For someone who was your boyfriend…he did do a lot of complaining. Look, I can see maybe complaining about getting shot out of a cannon repeatedly, but just hanging around like that…can't be too bad."

"I was a bit rough with him…that's probably part of the reason we split up. The other part being, and this is kind of a major one, is…well, we had little in common. I hunt zombies. He watches porn. I pole dance, he does badminton. And well…he also was embarrassed a bit by coming back with Morikawa's body…"

"I see he put it to good use, though."

"Well…yeah."

It was a sad topic, really. Sure, Swan had been envious of their relationship, but…even he could understand, though not from personal experience, that losing someone would be painful. Feeling that love that once held you together just dissolve. Swan hoped dearly that never happened to him and Juliet. He could take death. But having his heart break again…he didn't even want to think about it.

"So, uh…Juliet? What now?" Swan asked, wishing more than anything to change the subject.

Juliet got a thoughtful look on her face.

"I know! Let's totally watch a movie! But like, at your place. I wanna see what you've got!"

"You…really want to?"

"Swan, I'm just dying to find out what sketchy stuff you've got on your shelf…You know, I do like victim play…" she teased, playing with one of his long black locks.

Swan caught the look in her eye and flirted back.

"The question is, who's the victim?" he said, with a wink.

"Well, if you can get me scared, Swan…I might just play victim. Just for you. I like being in charge."

Swan felt his breath cut short.

"That much is evident." He remarked, getting up.

They headed to his car, wordlessly, but with smiles on their faces and feeling of pure desire and excitement in their hearts.

The drive to Swan's farmhouse was not that long, but it was certainly dark. While San Romero looked like Las Vegas by night, the road leading to Swan's town was dark as pitch.

A worn sign welcomed them as they pulled in.

"Derleth Welcomes You—1921 Proud Inhabitants."

Juliet began to feel unease as she entered the town. Its gates were rusty, and the crops were tall all around them. Gutted-looking barns and weathered homes guarded the dirt roads as a grim church on a hill stood nearby, its cross twisted and bent by hard winds. Swan took a left, and they were soon heading into a dirt driveway to a Gothic country home.

"Home, sweet home." Swan remarked, getting out of the car.

Juliet shuddered. "Th-this is your home?"

"The outside's menacing. The interior, I think you'll find, is rather nice."

Indeed it was. While the exterior looked like something from _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_, inside it was a fairly normal suburban home, with a few Goth touches. Swan led her to his movie collection, meticulously maintained with both DVD and VHS included, with the odd Blu-Ray.

"_The Return of the Living Dead_…_Halloween_…_28 Days Later_…_Demoni…_Swan…most of these are pretty standard…" Juliet said, unimpressed.

"Pull the lever in there." Swan instructed.

She did so. Another shelf revealed itself.

"_Cannibal Holocaust, Nekromantik, Suspiria, Faces of Death, _and wait, hang on…are the rest of these…porn?"

Swan blushed.

"Not all of them. Only like, three. The rest are Italian horror and Spanish horror with sexploitation elements."

Juliet then noticed a door covered in chains.

"Swan…what's that door?"

"It leads to the basement. I don't go down there much…but even I haven't explored every nook and cranny…"

Juliet got a wicked grin on her face.

"We can watch the movie later. Right now, I want some real scares…"

Swan was surprised at first, but remembered that she was a zombie killer first and a cheerleader second. Swan had to keep himself from stating just how hot she'd sounded saying that.

Swan took the chains off the door and led the descent with a flashlight.

He began to relate the house's history.

"I got the house cheap because apparently, it's cursed. Naturally, you can see why I bought it. It adds to the atmosphere. It belonged to the director of the San Romero Institution for the Mentally Deranged."

"Wait a minute, wasn't that shut down in the 1950s due to its inhumane procedures?"

"Yes. The director of the asylum was one Wolfgang Schwarzgeist. He was initially a morally upright man, some would say downright Puritanical, until one day his wife became consumed with a strange mental affliction. It was this same day that he had ordered an accused witch executed. Every moment, the wife said, she could see a witch standing far off. Each day, she reported that the witch was coming closer….Eventually, he built the asylum and had her committed there. By the end of the year she was ranting about the bloodshot eyes of the witch, and her accusing glare…he only filled full of the leading drugs of the time. She died in her cell, having clawed her own throat out. That drove the poor man insane. He began experimenting on the inmates, creating new drugs and trying out bizarre, dark rituals. Any authorities that went in there either were paid off or committed. Finally, he made the mistake of committing a young pregnant girl, accusing her of being a harlot and a witch…and her dad, a decorated U.S. Army General, sent in a strike team. The place was shut down and the doctor went even further insane, trying to kill the general with his scalpel. He was shot 16 times. But no one really knows what drove him mad. Some say it was the stress. But others claim it was the witch's curse. All we know is that anyone who went in that asylum…came to pray for death."

Juliet shuddered.

"You can't be serious!"

"I'm not lying, Juliet. Ask the mortuary director, if you don't believe me. His name is Jebediah Carter."

They worked their way around the basement, till Juliet noticed an oddly placed rug.

"Swan, what's under this rug?"

"I've never looked."

They lived up the rug, and after shooing off a few spiders, they found a hatch. There was a padlock on it, but it was so rusted even a weak kick from Swan sent it shattering across the room.

Juliet opened it cautiously. A dark staircase awaited them…and an iron door.

"Well shit. Looks like we found Satan's version of the Batcave." Swan quipped.

He pulled on the door and it gave partially.

"Give me a hand, Juliet."

She pulled and it swung open, letting in a horrible stench of chemicals, age, and possibly death.

"Juliet, you may want to arm yourself. Just to be safe."

Swan drew a revolver from his inside breast pocket, and Juliet drew her chainsaw. Together, they plunged into the blackness.

"_Lux aeterna, Lux inferna, Lux angelica!" _

The room was lit with an eerie glow.

"Yeah, I tried the various spells to light the place up. My grasp of 'Angel's Light', which would have lit the place up like Christmas, is rather poor. Only 'Hell's Light' and 'Eternal Light' seem to be working."

Inside the room were grimy basins, pipes, broken tiles and ancient medical equipment. Bones lay scattered on tables, decades old, and decayed to match. A seemingly screaming skeleton had been chained to a wall, a saw buried in its skull.

"Uh, Swan?" Juliet asked.

"I'm sorry, I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought, Juliet, you'll have to give me a moment."

"Let's get out of here and tell the cops."

"Yeah, I just happen to have fucking Arkham Asylum in my basement, that's fucking great…"

So that happened. They went to get the cops, who promptly informed them that pending an investigation, Swan would have to live elsewhere.

"It's ok, officers. He can live with me." Juliet said.

Swan fainted.

Mercifully, he didn't dream.

Instead, he awoke to Juliet holding him.

"Juliet…I'm so, so sorry…"

Juliet pressed a finger to his lips.

"You don't need to apologize. It was my own totally lame curiosity."

"I'm a freak, Juliet. I can't even pick out a house unless someone got horribly tortured there."

"Swan…you're totally attracted to places of suffering, because you've suffered. You're hoping that maybe you're not the only one suffering."

She kissed him.

"I'm so sorry, Swan. I'm sorry that your life has been hell. I'm sorry for every tear you've ever shed. Doubly so for every tear you shed because of me. I'm sorry about how we all treated you. I'm sorry about how you live now as the very thing my parents hunt. I'm so sorry for it all…"

Tears welled up in her beautiful eyes and she collapsed sobbing onto Swan. Then she stood up and began tearing her clothes up.

"Come on, Swan, hurt me! I've caused you so much pain! Do it! Hurt me like you wanted to! Hurt me like I hurt you!"

She fell to her knees, screaming and crying.

Swan took off his coat, and put it around her shoulders. He kissed her gently, and she slowly began to stop shaking.

"Juliet…I forgive all of that. And, I never wanted to hurt you…not the real me. I don't want anything right now except this. You in my arms."

Juliet stopped crying. She hugged Swan as tightly as she could.

Still holding her, he walked to the phone beside her bed and speed dialed her dad's cell phone.

"Hello, Mr. Starling? It's Swan. Juliet needs you. I'm giving her what care I can, but…"

There was a grunt of understanding and a click.

Within mere minutes, the door burst open, and the entire Starling family was inside, seeing Swan cradling Juliet.

"Mr. Starling, Juliet and I were exploring my house earlier, and we found a room previously unexplored…it turned out to be a torture chamber or laboratory of some kind. The experience was so shocking I fainted, and while she helped me get on my feet, she's gone into hysterics. She tore her outfit after saying she wanted me to hurt her for all she'd done to me…I've been telling her it isn't her fault and that I forgive her…"

Juliet smiled weakly.

"It's the truth…the sight of all those horrors…and he hasn't laid a finger on me, dad, except to hold me gently and comfort me. He gave me his jacket…"

The family comforted Juliet for hours. It was so rare to see Juliet so sad.

Cordelia slowly fed Juliet some soup.

"Hey sis…remember when you had the chicken pox, and I came in and fed you just like I'm doing now? And how I didn't care if you were sick, and I said I wasn't going to let anything named 'chicken' beat me?"

Juliet giggled gently.

"I got the pox, sure…but I was no damn chicken." Cordelia finished, laughing.

Swan felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Gideon Starling.

"Hey, kid…thanks for calling us. And thank you for taking care of her. While I'm still pissed about the whole basement thing, you couldn't have known. She always did have a nose for trouble. Still, try having some fun in a less dangerous place if you're looking to stay sane."

"Mr. Starling, with all due respect, too late." Swan quipped.

He felt the air go from his lungs as he was slapped affectionately on the back.

"That's my boy! We might make a man of you yet, Swan!"

Every hour, a different member of the family slept beside a sleeping Juliet. Except for when Swan's turn came. Then Gideon stood over him, wide awake.

By morning, Juliet woke up, perky as ever.

"Hi, everybody! What happened last night? Like, don't tell me I got really drunk and did something stupid!"

"I'm afraid you did do something stupid, but completely sober." Cordelia remarked.

"You went with Mr. Skellington on a magical journey into a creepy lab! Full of creepy stuff!" Rosalind chimed in.

"And I'm afraid you went a bit crazy after. Tried to get me to hit you. I told you no, hugged you, and called your parents." Swan explained.

Within an hour, they'd left.

Juliet got up with a grin…

"So how about some victim play now?"

Swan grinned.

A few minutes later…

"I have you now, my pretty! Muahahaha!"

Juliet was utterly nonplussed as Swan leaned over her dressed like a silent movie villain, groping her.

"God, you totally suck at this."

One sucker punch later…

Swan awoke, naked, and tied to a bed…with a camera pointed right at him.

"Oh fuck me…"

"Nuh-uh! You didn't even start to satisfy me!"

Swan grew tired of this. He ripped free of the ropes with undead strength, and grabbed the camera… realizing it wasn't on.

"JUUUULIEEEETT!"

"April Fools, Swan. Check the calendar."

He did. It was. Fuck this.

"You know, Juliet, can you not strip me all the time? I still have bad memories from when the baseball team did it to me and left me out on the diamond…then called everyone they knew in."

Juliet felt a twinge of guilt over that.

"Oh em gee, I didn't know! I mean, I'm so sorry…"

"I forgive you, Juliet, don't start like you did last night."

"How was I last night?"

"You made Bella Swan seem like a liberated woman."

"Please tell me that's your joke."

"I'm not in a joking mood."

Juliet gave him back his clothes and kissed him.

He leaned into the kiss and wedgied her.

"Mmmph-OWW!"

She fumed, but then began to laugh.

"One good trick deserves another, Juliet."

After the morning's escapades, they sat to eat breakfast. Swan had made fried eggs for the both of them, with a side of bacon.

"It's not much, but hey, better than barely being able to eat soup, eh Juliet?"

She agreed heartily.

Swan calmly ate his breakfast, looking over repeatedly at Juliet. There was still hurt in her eyes.

"We're like, totally crazy, aren't we?" Juliet asked with a hint of resignation in her voice.

Swan smirked slightly.

"Well, considering we're dating ten years after I tried to kill you and the entire planet, and considering when we're not being absurdly kinky we're off exploring the dark history of a town that may or may not be cursed by some ancient evil, nope, I'd say we're completely sane. Oh, and I'm a zombie Goth, and you're a zombie-hunting cheerleader with a lollipop fixation."

There was enough weapons-grade snark in that sentence to level a city block.

Both laughed before eating the rest of their breakfast.

Juliet then got a thoughtful look on her face.

"Swan…what happened to your family?"

Swan paused. This always hurt.

"They're dead, Juliet. All of them. I'm the last surviving member, for a given value of surviving."

Juliet got all quiet.

"Oh…"

"My parents were really distant, actually. My father was a mechanic, who'd served in Vietnam as part of a demolitions crew. He never thought that much of me. My mom was a severely depressed ex-hippy who'd turned Goth the moment the eighties rolled around. My dad also cheated on my mom constantly, which eventually drove her to suicide. One day I came home from school to find my mom dead, with a note saying why and everything. Then I got a call saying the cops had just turned up my dad. Turns out he'd been cheating on mom with his old squadmate's wife. There…wasn't much left of him when the cops got there. The whole unit was pretty much a Section 8 case from the beginning and if it hadn't been for how good it was at what it did, it would have been court-martialed faster than you can say Randal Patrick McMurphy."

Juliet was speechless.

"I had to become a ward of the state for a while. Only for two years, though. Then…I got my parents' money, and took a few jobs. But I was still unstable, and was around plenty of people with access to high explosives. Love's been a bit of a sore point for me. My parents died when their love went horribly wrong. I was certain I'd never have that problem, as I'd never find any love. But I was quickly forced to reconsider. You remember Spencer "Sparky" Callaghan, right?"

She nodded.

"One day, he was trying to shove me into a locker. And then…you walked down the hall and called him on it. I saw you for the first time…and got a huge crush on you. Because you were the first person who'd even lifted a finger to be nice to me. For days I agonized over what to do. I kept following you, keeping just out of sight, certain that it would be the day I'd tell you. But either I was overcome by my own insecurities…or I was getting beaten up. Then, one day, just before school, I saw you, and there was nothing to stop me. And then you sat down beside Nick, and kissed him, and I felt my heart break. I guess I inherited a lot more than money from dear old mom and dad, because that's when I started going crazy."

Swan sighed.

"I must sound like such a creep."

Juliet got up and put her arms around him.

"No, you don't. That's really sweet, Swan. And I'm really sorry about everything. I hope that even my lousy apologies and kisses are acceptable."

"More than you can ever know."

Swan kissed Juliet, feeling less heavy than before.

Just then, Juliet's phone began to ring.

"Hey! Oh, hey Cordelia! What? You want to speak to Swan? Here you go!"

Swan took the receiver and answered.

"Hello. Wait. What? You're kidding, right? You're not. Oh. I see…I'll be there as soon as I can. What? No, I didn't…I'll be right there."

He hung up.

"What did big sis want?"

"It would seem someone's trying to follow in my footsteps. George Jonathan Romero's statue has been defaced with graffiti reading: 'The Dark Messiah Has Returned, Beware the Church of Swan.'"

"The Church of Swan?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, Juliet. But if someone's wanting to duplicate my crime…they picked the wrong messiah. Time to investigate."

They sped off to San Romero High. Cordelia was waiting there.

As Swan got out, ten cops drew Glocks.

"Hands in the air, Swan!"

Juliet ran up to the nearest officer.

"No! Like, you've got this totally all wrong. Swan's been by my side all day and all night yesterday."

Cordelia spoke too.

"I can vouch for him. We all took shifts watching over Juliet while she was sick. My dad, Gideon Starling can also vouch for Swan as he was watching him watch over her."

The police put their guns down.

Swan looked at the paint.

"This looks like it was sprayed last night; it's mostly dry…but a few places still gleam with wetness."

"Do you have any idea who it could be if it wasn't you?" Juliet asked.

"I have an idea where I might find answers." Swan said.

"Where?" asked one of the officers.

"The Narrows."

The officers got a sickened look on their face.

"Why in God's name go there? Even we don't set foot there…"

"That's exactly my point. I know the Narrows like the back of my hand."

Juliet raised an eyebrow.

"Uh…like, why, Swan?"

"Whenever I felt lost and alone, I'd wander down there. It's also where I uncovered the book and ritual to summon the Dark Purveyors. It's a grim place. But we have to go. Travel armed, Juliet. Cordelia, I think you should go too. Oh, and Juliet? It's highly unadvisable to stand out there. And by that I mean look normal. It's a sort of condemned area, where all the "freaks" hang out. Some are decent folks. Others make me ten years ago look nice."

The police continued to investigate as the group walked off.

As they drove off, Juliet asked:

"So, what's the plan?"

"First," Swan answered, "we need to get back to your place and Goth you up. I know it's not your style exactly, but they see you in your cheer uniform or anything like that, they'll rip you apart. When we get to the Narrows, stick close, and Cordelia can cover us from the rooftops."

Once home, Juliet slipped into something she'd gotten to use for a Halloween party.

"This good?"

Swan was utterly floored.

"Perfect."

Juliet also grabbed a spray can and coloured her hair black.

"This washes out easily. Complete the illusion better, right?"

"Um, yeah, uh right!"

"Tee-hee. You're adorable when you're sexually frustrated, Swan."

Cordelia jerked a thumb at the car.

"Get in, lovebirds. You can have your little roleplay session later."

They sped off to the Narrows, and when Cordelia gave them the signal from the rooftop, they began their search.

The Narrows stank of urine, cheap booze, stale cigarettes and broken dreams. Jazz wailed from some forgotten record player in an unhappy bedroom. The streets were full of Goths, punks, and other rejects of society. Hard lives, lived by hard men and women. Swan checked his revolver as he walked down the street. Six shots. He had a speed loader ready but he hoped he wouldn't need to fire a single shot. Juliet had her chainsaw, and Cordelia was using her Long Range Rifle as usual.

"So, like…this is where you went after school?" Juliet asked.

"Almost every day, and every night when I couldn't sleep, when dreaming about you kept waking me up. I'd head down here and slug back a few drinks, or else do some work with dark magic. And speaking of dark magic…we're right where we need to be."

A dark door with a pentagram on it loomed beside them.

Swan knocked 6 times, and a panel slid aside.

"Password?"

"Punk's not dead."

"Please! That hasn't been the password for ten years…"

"I'm sorry, ten years is a long time…perhaps you don't remember me…"

The voice behind the door grew frightened.

"Swan? Jesus Christ, is that you?"

"Yes. Now open up."

The door swung open.

The guard at the door began to speak to stop them all from entering but Swan drew his revolver.

"I didn't rise from the dead to get the third degree from people who didn't know who Tim Burton was for half their lives."

They all went inside.

"Take me to Macbeth." Swan ordered.

Within moments they were in a dark, occult ritual chamber. A cloaked figure appeared.

"Swan! My old apprentice! They said you had died!"

"So I had, Macbeth. I live, again."

Macbeth drummed his fingers on an altar.

"My spies told me they had seen you at the San Romero High reunion. I dismissed this as the mere delusions of my drug-addled associates. I was wrong. It is good to see you alive…well, undead. I sense, however, you are not here to exchange pleasantries. I must ask however, what you are doing with such strange company…is that not Juliet Starling, legendary slayer of zombies? Oh, how you did dote on her! Are you now…lovers?"

"We are dating, yes. However, that's irrelevant at the moment. What is the Church of Swan?"

Macbeth laughed heartily.

"It is not my work, Swan. A group of foolish upstarts, rejects, outcasts and heretics from my order split off seeking to carry on your 'glorious work' and claim revenge on those that wronged them by breaching the barrier between Earth and Rotten World."

Swan sighed.

"My work was anything but glorious, Macbeth, and you were indeed wise when you warned me not to use the ritual. Do you know of their whereabouts?"

Macbeth opened a black leather book and ran a gnarled finger down the pages.

"Aha! Here we are. They're at the abandoned fetish club at the end of the street."

"Which one? There's about four."

"The Raven Mistress."

"Geez, could you pick a more fitting place?"

They headed down the street after leaving Macbeth's.

"So, that guy taught you magic?" Juliet asked.

"Yes. I was a fool not to heed his warnings about the ritual, however."

"Why didn't he stop it?"

"He couldn't. He paid a terrible price for obtaining the ritual. His body became gnarled and scarred, and in exchange for accepting its terrible knowledge and the ability to teach it, he could do nothing to stop it should it be activated."

Juliet shuddered.

"What kind of guy would do that to themselves? It sounds totally lame!"

"Not all dark magicians are evil, Juliet. Some exist to keep the secrets of the shadows safe, and prevent Rotten World from being opened unnecessarily. Macbeth is one."

"Then why'd he give you the ritual?"

"He didn't. I stole it, and he warned me as I left that I'd regret it if I tried anything. I guess he hoped my respect for him would make me see sense. It didn't, and I'm frankly amazed he still wants to talk to me."

When they reached the club doors, Swan kicked them open.

Two cloaked figures rushed them.

"State your business." They said, their angsty teen voices very apparent.

"If this is the church of Swan, then you should already know with whom you are speaking."

"Lord!" The two cloaked teens fell to their knees.

"Stop groveling and tell me what's going on."

A teenager doing a terrible cosplay of Swan walked up to him.

"My lord, we have been preparing for your return. For a long time, we have been trying to obtain the necessary materials to recreate the ritual and put an end to San Romero High forever."

"Then you're a fucking idiot, your servants are fucking idiots, and you have no fucking idea what you're getting into. "

The boy seemed disappointed.

"The world is rotten, my lord! Why do you persist in keeping it alive?"

Just then, with the worst possible timing, a water pipe broke over Juliet's head…washing her black dye out.

"Juliet Starling! You…you betrayed us, lord! BETRAYAL! BETRAYAL!"

"Betray this." Swan pushed his revolver just under the boy's nose.

"Listen," Swan continued, "you'd best tell me what the fuck you're doing. If you have the ritual, then you're going to give it to me so I can return it to its keeper."

A figure cloaked in red stepped out.

"I'm afraid you're too late. The ritual was already enacted." The figure explained.

"Say what? You totally lame Goth jerk! I'll kick your ass!" Juliet yelled at him.

"What?" The Swan-wannabe said.

"YOOOO! HEADCASE! HOW IT HANGING, YOU EMO BITCH?"

Swan covered his ears.

"Zed…"

"WELL SHIT! CAN MY EYES BE FUCKING WITH ME? IT REALLY IS! YOU AND THE VANILLA SLUT ARE DATING? HA! THAT'S TOO FUCKING RICH!"

Soon, Zed and the rest of the Dark Purveyors stood before them.

"Ha! He is still a puny man! But…why is he dating that…abomination? He is a bold man to deal so openly with such a terror of a woman! No Valkyrie has yet displayed such savagery!"

"Vikke…"

"Brother Swan! You and Sister Juliet…dating? Ooo…finally found that inner peace? Looks like that heart of yours didn't rot as much as you thought…hahaha…peace…"

"Mariska…"

"Swan! Time to get FUNKY up in here! Now what is tHiS? CaAaaAn I believe my eyes? You and Juliet? Ungroovy. Time to funk you up."

"Josey James…"

"Well, well, well! You've really been shakin', Swan. But I'm afraid I can't let you keep rocking. There's only room for one star, and they don't come bigger than me!"

"Lewis Legend…"

Swan turned to the Purveyors.

"Friends! You cannot go through with this!"

"SORRY, STUPID EMO BITCH, BUT WE AIN'T YOUR TOYS ANYMORE!"

"Dude…chill…but we don't follow you anymore."

"Destruction is our purpose, and you do not interest us."

Swan flipped out.

"Damn it! See sense! He doesn't want you except for your power!"

The red cloaked figure laughed.

"Quite right. After all, I'm not out to summon Killabilly."

The figure waved his hands, and the energy of the Purveyors drifted into a statuette of a bizarre, tentacle creature.

"CTHULHU! DREAD LORD! RISE!"

Swan turned to the weakened Purveyors.

"He's summoning Cthulhu! If he gets away with that, there won't BE a world for you to destroy! Think, damn it! You weren't this thick when I was controlling you!"

"SHIT! HE'S RIGHT!" Zed exclaimed.

The Purveyors advanced on the red-cloaked figure, even as tentacles began to emerge through a portal in the floor.

"No! Stop! I command you to stop!"

"Sorry brother! But you didn't do all the voodoo mumbo-jumbo. Now you're funked!" Josey said as he began the attack.

The red-robed sorcerer bit the dust pretty quickly.

"For Schwarzgeist's blood, I die."

Some tentacles grabbed Juliet.

"Ugh! Like, this is totally not cool! Do I look Japanese to you?!"

A loud explosion went off beside Swan. Juliet began falling, and he moved to catch her.

Burnt tentacle bits rained down as Gideon Starling put away his dynamite.

"Sealed the portal, Swan. Good work. Seems you really can talk sense into them. But I'm afraid I've got bad news, Swan…that was only the tip of the iceberg. I found your little red-cloaked friend's journal, and he says there's gonna be hell up in Derleth…"

Swan cocked his revolver.

"Now hold on, son. I admire your guts…but we ain't got enough info on this. It's time you went back to Derleth to speak with the cops."

Swan put the safety back on.

"Mr. Starling? If it's all the same, I think I'd rather take a break for a bit…after all, this cultist crap is a bit of a buzzkill."

He looked lovingly into Juliet's eyes.

"Hell," said Gideon, "you've earned it. You ain't half bad for a scrawny zombie."

The fake Swan shuddered in the corner as the real Swan walked up to him.

"What's your name?"

"Mercutio."

"Mercutio…I can understand being angry at the world. But had you gone through with the ritual…you would have regretted it. There is nothing good in revenge. It left me feeling hollow for ten years…don't make the same mistake I did."

Mercutio nodded.

"Now go home."

Swan watched Mercutio walk off, and then turned to Juliet.

"Well, darling, I think that's enough octopus for one night. I'm gonna be off sushi for weeks."

She laughed, as they walked off into the sunset.

"So what now, Swan?"

"Well, we have to stop the cult…but first, how about that movie?"

"I'd love to!"

The Dark Purveyors walked up.

"Uh, where should we go?"

"Meet me at the cemetery later. If anyone asks, say Swan sent ya."

Swan and Juliet kissed.

"UGH, GET A ROOM, SLUT!"

They laughed.

Some things never changed.

Even amongst new friends…and stranger companies.


End file.
